This is probably going to sound a bit wild, and to be completely frank, this is not the blog post I thought I’d be writing as I’m sitting here in bed in my apartment at 10:42pm on a Wednesday night. I was taking some time to get organized this evening, you know, the typical shorthanded budget planning in the notes section of your iPhone when you start feeling like some new expenses have come into play. Probably should’ve opened Excel on my laptop, but for some reason that felt heavy so I reached for my phone. As I’m updating what the next month looks like for bills, I started realizing something. For one, I definitely need something to supplement my part-time job, since essentially, that gig just covers my rent by the skin of its teeth, and two, I’ve got to sell some things, try to book more gigs with my talent agent, and get my small business on a roll if I want to keep a low stress life for myself and Ollie. Not the best feeling in the world, but instead of being anxious for an hour, like I’d normally be looking at this expense list, I felt a strange kind of peace come over me.
I think that’s in large part due to the message I heard at church last Sunday. I had skipped church the previous week (sometimes I just feel like a hypocrite being there since I’m procrastinating on making necessary changes for the sake of my soul), but this made up for that missed service and then some. It was one of those services that was emotionally powerful and profoundly moving. I wasn’t expecting to laugh, cry, and walk out of there with a brand new level of peace and confidence — no— faith, that reassured me that God is still at the helm of this ship called my life. As a matter of fact, I walked out of there knowing I’d be cancelling some hinge dates since the conversations turned inappropriate and I had decided I didn’t want another casual fling to mess with my emotions and draw me farther away from God. I digress. Okay back to that expense list.
I was simplifying my expenses the best I could, only typing down the necessities (like groceries, the groomer for Ollie once a month, Shopify for my small business, my card payments, rent, the power bill, the last of my car payments, etc) and all of a sudden I realize I’m halfway down the page. It turns out I’ve got a lot more bills than I thought. I feel like befuddled is a word, and if so, that’s exactly how I felt for a couple seconds. How am I going to afford all this? Can I still be happy if I cut out some of the things on this list? As that thought came into formation, it dissolved quicker than it came into my mind. A wave of peace came over me and I remembered that I have everything I need already to survive and accomplish the goals I have. I remembered God’s got this— not just for me, but for all of us, because that’s who He is. There is evil in the world, but there is also good. There is confusion and suffering, but there is also breakthrough, salvation, and a life after this one where all suffering comes to an end with an eternity of paradise. It was in these moments of thought that my focus shifted from my feelings of inability to God’s absolute ability to provide what I need to be successful in building a life for myself —something I thought I was fully incapable of at the beginning of my separation from my ex-husband. I was never great with money and full disclaimer, I’m still learning. I’m also realizing that even the things that seem minuscule in the grand scheme of our lives on Earth here are worth sending up a prayer to God about. Which brings me to my next point.
I’ve been wanting to move to Italy the second I set foot in Florence Italy alongside my mother and my sister. Night began to fall and we had just finished dinner at Trattoria Zaza. I didn’t research much about this trip because my sister was handling all the details and I was pretty much at war with myself in my head leading up to the trip. My ex and I were separated for the first time and it felt like a gut punch because I really wanted to make things work with him but we just kept getting into these arguments where I’d feel like less of a human being each time. Nothing was ever good enough and if I had any disagreement with him, I was automatically ungrateful and the worst person in the world. The sad part is no matter how bad it got we still had love that ran deep for one another, but a breaking point was reached and it had to end. We were just in a cycle of hurting each other and the pain from breaking up and getting back together over and over was excruciating for everyone.
Anywho, I ran a good poker face and just tried to keep busy with work, getting a new puppy (Ollie) and getting settled into new work and the new apartment I shared with my sister, but to be frank, I was numb. I’d always try my best to find a reason to smile because that’s part of who I am, but it wasn’t easy to sleep at nights after experiencing the series of events that took place before I had to separate from the person I married. Even still to this day, I have my moments because I’m human. It’s traumatic and anyone telling you otherwise is downplaying it. Needless to say, I didn’t look at a whole lot of details for this first-time-to-Italy trip. I didn’t even know what the Duomo was, but when I saw it for the first time contrasted against the dark sky as the rain began to fall, I was in complete and sheer awe. It was like the numbness was knocked right out of my body— no, more like evaporated.
Everything I was thinking about and keeping pent up in my head literally vanished and I couldn’t stop staring at this massive architectural beast of a structure (well, multiple structures) and it literally moved me to tears. How on Earth could humans build something like this? I was seeing the power and beauty of God at work through the hands of humans and I was completely stunned. Admiring as much detail as I could before returning to our Airbnb, I felt blessed beyond belief to witness a masterpiece like this with my own eyes. That’s God right there. That’s all I could think of the entire night. I grabbed a little momento replica of the Duomo from a local man at a kiosk before we went back to the Airbnb. From the last apartment with my sister, to my Mom’s house, to my apartment here now in Utah, I’ve kept it on display to remind me of how I felt that night, how magical Florence is, and how great God is.
And so here lies the dilemma. I want to move to Florence so badly, but there is more to the puzzle than I thought. I could simply just go, but what visa would work for me? It really boils down to just two options — a student visa or a self-employment visa. Well, maybe just one option, the student visa, since my small business isn’t generating enough per month on a regular basis to meet the quota requirement set by the Italian Consulate (over 2000 euros). I’m happy to be a student, and happy they allow you to work 20hours/week on a student visa., but the financial means requirement is at least 7000 euros in savings, and the upfront school fee, even outside of Florence for Rome or Bologna, is about 5000 euros. This is some serious cash we’re talking about here. I entertained the idea of selling my car, but with 6 payments left and an offer for significantly less than half what I paid to date for it, I just couldn’t justify it yet, and not sure if I ever will. That’s when my brain started to take another turn this evening.
Making an impact in this world is a huge deal to me, and the way I’d like to give back is by getting dogs out of shelters and giving them a real home. Not many people know this about me, but it’s something I feel strongly about and I think that’s just the way God made me. I made a trek to Texas and drove back to Utah on a first-time-ever 20 hour drive with one Airbnb stop at 6 hours in Amarillo, TX. The goal was to rescue a sweet girl named Baby (renamed her Bella) and while it was a wild trip (got ganged up on by a few foxes while trying to walk her at night), it was so worth it. She’s been rehomed with a sweet family that has a goldendoodle her size (45lbs) and it’s always a sweet feeling when I get updates on her and pictures with her new friend. I wanted to keep her more than anything but apartment life wasn’t for her.
After lots of apartment damage and cleaning her crate 2-3 times a week because of her nervous stomach, I made the tough decision to rehome her and I’m glad she’s in another loving home that meets her needs. Being away from home 40 hours a week just didn’t work for her. I really bit off more than I could chew taking her in. I had a series of meltdowns that would make my college meltdowns studying for a calculus exam look like child’s play. You get the idea. Anyway, I still want Ollie to have a friend, but if the plan is to move to Italy, how can I adopt another dog without financially crippling myself every time I want to travel?
This is why so many dogs are in shelters — because we get so consumed with our own schedules and our necessities/desires/comfort and meanwhile, they’re in and out of foster care if they’re lucky, and living their life (much shorter than ours) in the confines of shelter with no real freedom. It pains me to know that, see that, and not be doing anything about it. To be honest, I think the reason I feel so strongly about that is not just because I love animals, but because I think I’m being called to do something about it. There’s a pull there that I can’t quite put into words, but flying to Dallas and driving back to Utah to rescue sweet Bella after finding her on a Facebook group pretty much sums it up — and I’d do it again. Which is why I think I should.
Saving dogs from kill shelters is up there on my list of ways I want to make an impact in the world, but I also want to go vegan this year, start volunteering at my church and at some local rescue farms. The list doesn’t stop there. I started realizing tonight, especially now that I’m typing all this out, that while I want to move to Italy and have a new life there, there’s some work to be done here right in my community and I have the heart and ability to do something good here that would benefit many, and not just myself. I have the opportunity to make money here, more than I’d make in Italy for sure, and that money could be used as a tool to do some good. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m going to stay in Utah, start helping to get dogs out of kill shelters, and travel to Italy when I can for maybe a week or more at a time. Heck, maybe even a month if I can. Tonight I realized the calling God has for me is greater and much more profound than the plans I have. I’m trying to not have my eyes well up in tears here, but that’s the truth, and that’s the Bible verse that’s settling over me like a warm fuzzy blanket right now. I can’t wait to see the work God does through me, and I’m even more excited to see how great of an impact that work does to cause a domino effect in my community.
No more self-sabotaging. No more feeling the overwhelming loneliness attributed to being transient; because moving to another country defeats the whole purpose of trying to make friends and embrace community. No more deep dive research and going into a full on anxiety attack because I have to save a small fortune trying to get visa acceptance. Wow, what a weight off the shoulders. I underestimated what I can do right here in my own backyard. I can still learn Italian, be a language teacher online, travel to Italy months at a time (once I’m making a sustainable income with my gig work and small business), travel to Italy in smaller bits when necessary, and build my travel blog. I can eat healthier food and shop at Caputo’s (the Italian imports market just minutes away), travel to other places in the world I’m curious about, and make an impact in my community.
Who knows, maybe the time comes when I do have the right timing to move to Italy. One of my small businesses is all about Italy and inspired by the culture, and maybe that’s by design. Maybe I was only ever in Italy to get that inspiration and spend time there to help create a long term business that I’m passionate about. Come to think of it, Italy inspired everything — starting my travel blog Nomadicgabbs, the Italian shop ClubColloquiale, and finding my love of cooking, reading books, writing again, living a more simple life, finding peace, slowing down to a healthier work/life balance, and being present in a more analog way than our society conditions us to be. I think I’m onto something, and as it continues to unfold, I’ll be right here to share it with you.
Alla prossima,
G.
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